The Adventures of S.A.M. and Friends #1

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Evangelist
Posts: 520
Joined: Sat Oct 18, 2008 12:35 pm
Location: Dallas, TX

The Adventures of S.A.M. and Friends #1

Post by Evangelist » Sun Jan 11, 2009 3:23 am

Ok everyone, I've decided that my activity in the forum has become rather... lacking. Therefore, I am going to try something new.

I call this...

The Adventures of S.A.M. and Friends

In here, I will give ya'll some funny, interesting, sad, but most importantly, TRUE stories. Things that have happened that will make you laugh, cry, and maybe you'll learn something from my adventures. More than anything, I want this to be something interesting for ya'll to read. These stories may also contain pictures and links, so be aware. I hope I get SOME readers, in fact I had BETTER get some.

So here we go...

Part One: Jesus H. Christ... What IS That Smell??

I've been dating my girlfriend for about two months now, she's amazing. Everything I've ever wanted from a relationship has already blossomed into a reality. Maybe I've become too... complacent, or maybe I really am falling for this girl. Be it as it may, she brought up an interesting point to me today over the phone.

"Baby?" she says to me.
"Sup g?" I reply.

A pause... silence. I can hear my heart beating, and I can feel it wanting to escape my chest; out of my mouth, and onto the floor. For as long as I've hunted for women, I've learned one key ability...

I without a shadow of a doubt... know exactly when a woman is going to ask me something I REALLY don't want to do.

A second felt like a year, I grew older with every breath.

"Baby... why haven't you invited me over to your apartment yet?" she asks.

Though she couldn't see my reaction, I turned in horror at what she asked me...

She's correct. In all the time we've known each other, I have never invited her over. I know what you're thinking... Why in God's holy name have you NOT invited her to your apartment?

The answer my friends... is a simple two-part answer

The First: I basically always spend the night at her place, so the only reason to come home is to feed my dog and walk him.

The Second: My apartment is... well...

A GOD AWFUL MESS!
Need I remind you about how my computer looks?
My Workstation
I quote the Human Torch from the first Fantastic Four movie when he says...
"Ok imagine that... but EVERYWHERE!"

Finally after she made me feel inadequate (by ragging on me saying that I live with my parents, or probably have a boyfriend (Note: not cheating on her with another girl, but another guy!) Needless to say, I had to defend my territory... but I had to clean it first.

The task seemed simple at first.

"Get in, get out, get on with your life."

but in reality... I think it should have been something more along the lines of...

"Abandon all hope, ye who enter here."



All that was running through my head was...

"I have to defend my territory! NO ONE makes fun of me and gets away with it!"

After a few hours, it turned to...

"Maybe I can sweet-talk her to sleeping over at her place tomorrow."

Skipping the boring parts of cleaning and taking out garbage... you can imagine what that was like.
I walked into the kitchen... and if you know anything about me at all, I suffer from horrible allergies. 11 out of 12 months, I cannot smell a thing. Usually it works out...

but...

For no apparent reason... today... I could smell.
And you know what

It smelled friggin' HORRID!

I found the source of the odor. A trash bag, in my tiny garbage can with a moldy, old, cheeseburger from McDonalds. This is my proof that McD's is both unhealthy, and bad for the environment.

While I reached to take the bag out, and replace it... I got an unnerving feeling... a feeling of... horror.
Without a second to spare, my spider sense tingled.

And I saw it, looking straight at me, ready for combat, ready... for blood.

A ROACH!

I'll tell you a secret.

I've been an amateur boxer for years
I've rounded up cattle; mean, blood-thirsty cattle
I've been in a car accident
I've been poisoned
I've even climbed a mountain in Mexico and couldn't see the ground.

But I have never... ever been so afraid of anything as much as I fear roaches.

I turned into a little girl, I screamed and ran for it... ran to the safety of my living room, and armed myself for combat.

Put on my steel-toed boots, my leather jacket, my ski-mask, and grabbed the closest flammable aerosol can I could find (with my luck... it was a can of Pam Cooking Spray) and a lighter... and I ran back into the kitchen... armed to the teeth with only one mission in mind.

To Kill... or be Killed.

I saw the vermin, we made eye contact. I could hear him... speaking directly into my mind saying

"Come and get me gangster, just you try it."

I swallowed my fear and ran screaming into combat. Now... it was personal. He was invading my home, and I had no choice but to blast him into oblivion.

At that point, he charged at me, and in a space no larger than five feet, I rolled onto the carpet, where he wizzed past my head. I could swear... I heard him laughing at me as he passed.

With that, I armed my can and lighter, and took my opportunity to counter... but with my adrenaline running, and my fear at it's highest... I missed. Soon I realized, I was in his domain. We were on the carpet where he had the advantage of camouflage.

I began my search for him... It was quiet... dead quiet. All eyes were on me, he was watching me... ready to ambush me, my only advantage was that I knew it was coming, it was only a matter of time. He knew he had the upper hand, he could smell my fear, my heart raced, and my palms were sweaty, my vision was hindered by my facial armor, and I was all alone... alone against an evil horror, with nothing but my death on his mind.

But... at that exact moment, Harrydog, my partner in crime, my little puppy, barked. He knew where that fiend lie and waited for me to traverse. As I turned, I saw the roach, running to the safety of the restroom where I quickly jumped after him and with the grace of God's fire on my side. I attacked...

With a fire that burned so brightly, it lit up the room, I could see the shadow of my enemy... and finally... it was over.

I was victorious, and I could only sit and watch as my enemy... shriveled... and passed.

As the battle had ended, so had my fear. I sat on the carpet, let out a sign of relief... lit a cigarette, took a swig of my tea... and I said a little prayer for the corpse of my enemy before I stomped out the fire I had made on the carpet.

As a grim totem to all the other roaches that may be in hiding, I grabbed the corpse and impaled it on a pen for all his minions to watch... for them to realize...

That this is my home.
This is my sanctuary.
And you are not welcome.
You are not... my friends.
And with every breath I take
Be it my last...
I will fight to defend my home and my family.
You may kill me, but you will never kill my spirit.

I poured some tea on the carpet in memory of the roach, though he was evil and after my life, he deserved the respect of my acknowledgment. Had he not been my enemy, he could have made a powerful ally. I will always remember the fight he had in him... but it was no where near the fight I have inside of me.

I pet Harrydog, and commended him for his bravery. He ate like a king tonight. He deserved it... anyone who saves my life deserves the treatment of nothing less than a king.

Afterward, I continued cleaning, and eventually... I finished. My home is now clean again, and Lauren can finally learn for herself that her beloved Sam is not a player, but in fact a homely and humble man... with an uncanny knack for murder.

Moral of the Story:

The forces of evil.
In fear the aspire...
But like everything else...
They all die with fire.
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brokeNsekseH

Re: The Adventures of S.A.M. and Friends #1

Post by brokeNsekseH » Sun Jan 11, 2009 11:02 am

I Laughed
I Cried
I pee'd a little
Most Importantly I was entertained for 3 minutes, goodshow, goodshow.

FooD~
Posts: 252
Joined: Thu Oct 23, 2008 6:35 pm

Re: The Adventures of S.A.M. and Friends #1

Post by FooD~ » Thu Jan 15, 2009 5:07 pm

sam.

you beat billy stoires.

holy crap +1
Ex: -[.40 cal ]- Food=Good *** && ~| Fury |~ Food-X {F7}

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lonewolf80
Posts: 432
Joined: Sat Oct 18, 2008 1:49 am
Contact:

Re: The Adventures of S.A.M. and Friends #1

Post by lonewolf80 » Wed Jan 21, 2009 9:06 am

is this your original work? Cuz it's great!
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indiRanger
Posts: 331
Joined: Sun Oct 26, 2008 6:11 pm

Re: The Adventures of S.A.M. and Friends #1

Post by indiRanger » Wed Jan 21, 2009 6:35 pm

Wow, that was amazing lol

When's the next story?!?!?
~| Fury |~ indiRanger {F3}
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<3 Savio

Evangelist
Posts: 520
Joined: Sat Oct 18, 2008 12:35 pm
Location: Dallas, TX

Re: The Adventures of S.A.M. and Friends #1

Post by Evangelist » Wed Jan 21, 2009 6:45 pm

Original, yes; true also.

I love turning seemingly uninteresting stories into adventures.
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Jae Duk
Posts: 37
Joined: Tue Oct 21, 2008 11:25 pm

Re: The Adventures of S.A.M. and Friends #1

Post by Jae Duk » Thu Feb 12, 2009 2:14 pm

HAHAHAHHA
your girlfriend said "babie"
and you said "sup g" :lol:

puppet
Posts: 862
Joined: Sat Oct 18, 2008 8:40 pm
Location: Houston,Tx

Re: The Adventures of S.A.M. and Friends #1

Post by puppet » Thu Feb 12, 2009 3:02 pm

sam's gangsta like that

Oral-B
Posts: 195
Joined: Mon Nov 10, 2008 5:22 am

Re: The Adventures of S.A.M. and Friends #1

Post by Oral-B » Fri Feb 13, 2009 6:27 am

Sam is the true Mafia Guy
Last edited by Oral-B on Fri Feb 13, 2009 6:29 am, edited 1 time in total.

Oral-B
Posts: 195
Joined: Mon Nov 10, 2008 5:22 am

Re: The Adventures of S.A.M. and Friends #1

Post by Oral-B » Fri Feb 13, 2009 6:28 am

LOL.puppet .

evan has time to kill lol. that was like 3 essays to write lolz

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